Telling A Story

*Originally posted on Wordpress 08.01.2019

 "These stories we tell about ourselves, they're almost like our infrastructure, like railroads or highways. We can build them almost any way we want to. But once they're in place, this whole inner landscape grows up around them.

So maybe the point here is that you should be careful about how you tell your story, or at least conscious of it. Because once you've told it, once you've built the highway, it's just very hard to move it."  -- Michael Lewis from the This American Life podcast How I Got Into College  (Sept, 2013)

This episode is one of my all time favorite This American Life episodes.  It tells the story of Emir Kamenica, how he got to the US and how he made it into college.  In the end, the whole point of the episode seems to be that so much depends on how you see things, how your create your story.  Emir's story is one of tragedy and random acts blended with hope, inspiration, and an insightful teacher.  But it's really in how Emir has told the story, both to himself and to the world, that makes it important

"Now, there's no obvious connection between a person's happiness and the way he tells stories about himself, but I think there's a not so obvious one. When you insist the way that Emir does that you're both lucky and indebted to other people, well, you're sort of prepared to see life as a happy accident, aren't you? It's just very different than if you tell yourself that you simply deserve all the good stuff that happens to you because you happen to be born a genius, or suffered so much, or worked so hard."  - Michael Lewis (interviewer on the episode)

It's interesting to me that I happened upon this installment of This American Life on today's walk.  I'd heard it before but I was listening to back episodes and was delighted to see it pop up.  It feels as if it were meant for me today because I have been thinking often lately about the notion of personal story and how it is that we both create our stories and how we tell those stories.  I've been considering my own story and where the elements come from and why I choose to tell it in that way.

"You know, we all have certain stories from our childhoods that we trot out from time to time, out of all the thousands of things that ever happened to us. And usually, it's not many stories that we'll actually trot out, right? And the choices that we make, you know, the selection that we make of which incidents we find ourselves telling people, it says so much about us and how we see the world, which ones we pick."  -Ira Glass

If you ask me about my story, I'm going to focus first on the strong sense of family that I grew up with. I will tell you about having all those brothers and living in a working class world and how lucky I was.  I will tell you about 12 years of Catholic education and about being captive by the influence of the Catholic Church,  That part won't be pretty.  Later I will add a chapter about my way out of that world and how bold and brave I had to be in order to find a little more of myself hiding under rules and rigidity.  Overall, perhaps the core of these chapters is Growing Up.

There will be a delightful chapter about my 20's and being adventurous, risky, somewhat blind, and more trusting of the universe than I ever recognized at the time.  It will include strong stories about determination, about friendship, about boyfriends and travel, and about smart choices regarding education. The theme will be The Emerging Self.

Then there will be some tender chapters about young married love and babies turned toddlers turned teenagers.  Those chapters will include a lot of nurturing and home building and will reflect a great deal of satisfaction.  They will also reflect priorities and some unexpected twists in my professional life.  Productivity is probably the best word to define those chapters.

There will be a section that includes launching those babies into the world and then adjusting to the new routines and patterns in a home without children.  That section will emphasize professional growth as well as the development of creative endeavors that speak to personal growth.  It will include broadening social connections to include more confidants. Maybe the theme for this part is Filling the Empty Spaces.

I'm creating the next  parts of my story now. There's a little bit of lost in there as well as a bit of found.   There's plenty of  reading, writing, and being at the beach.  There are connections with family and friends and some opportunities for traveling and adventure.  In some ways, it is a return to my 20's but without the risky behaviors, the two bit jobs, the class schedules, and without much trust in the universe. No obvious title yet.

What are the threads that have remained consistent since childhood?  Clearly, family and nurturing connections top that list. My story includes compassion, caregiving,  and kindness.  My family of origin and the family I created matter the most to me.  One of my defining characteristics is hard work.  I have the ability to take on a challenge, apply myself, work hard, and reach the goal.  I am determined, sometimes to a fault.  Another defining trait is that I have always been physically and mentally active.  I like movement and being outside.  I was a tree climber, sandlot baseball player, bicycle rider, and pool participant kind of kid.  In college I got the fitness bug and ran 10K races and was a wannabe marathoner. I rode me bicycle to work/school and was happy to hike anywhere.  I've never lost that fitness bug even if the routines have changed. It's the same with being mentally active. I've always been a strong student in school and out of school.  I like to do research and I'm interested anytime someone talks about an class or presentation I might like.  I am a forever student.  Part of what defines me is that I generally display a sunny disposition. When I was still working, I was known for being approachable, warm, and friendly and I don't think that was just for the professional world.  I like chatting it up with people that I encounter through my day.  I like smiling at strangers.  I approach people with openness and curiosity.  One of my favorite  defining traits is curiosity.  I ask questions.

There are some parts of my story that I didn't recognize until later in life.  For example, I don't think I knew until recently how strong and resilient I truly am. I did not see the times in my life when I managed some very difficult experiences.  I just assumed that anyone could do what I was doing when, in fact, it took much strength and courage to directly confront challenges and to change what wasn't working. I don't think I've ever seen myself as brave - not at all - but now I see examples and I wonder about all the ways courage comes into play in a life.

Are there stories that I still tell now that I don't want to tell anymore? Or maybe don't need to tell?  I'd like to grow out of stories that focus on despair. I'd prefer to tell those stories from a place of strength instead.  This is an odd one but I used to think I wanted to be special in some way.  I wanted to BE someone.  I wanted a clear story that symbolized something.  I wanted, in Joseph Campbell's words, a big story (even if I don't get what he means).  IDK.   I am more okay now with having whatever story I end up writing.

Are there some aspects that I would like to see included more in my story?  Yes.  Emphatically, yes.  I would like to be a person who trusts the universe.  That's such a clumsy, cloudy phrase but  I don't know how else to say it.  I want to be open to whatever comes my way.  I'd like to be able to make plans (or not) and then let go of them just as easily as I  made them.  I'd like a story that is punctuated with generosity, kindness, levity, and graciousness.   I am writing that story, some days more faithfully and diligently than other days but isn't that the beauty of literature?  The story unfolds for both the reader and the writer.