* Originally published on my Wordpress blog 01.25.2020
Death is just hanging around life this week. A 61 year old relative of mine is losing her almost eight year old struggle with cancer. She has reached the place where she is mostly unresponsive. Hospice nurses are present daily. Family members have wrapped arms around each other and strengthened the family circle. That bond of love is what is holding the family together while the patient gradually disappears (as we know her) from the planet and moves into the Great Unknown. Even while she is fading, Death is striking up a conversation with everyone around her. He asks questions, some that need to be answered now, some that wait for infinite answers.
Death is also lurking in the life of another close friend. I learned yesterday that a 71 year old friend of mine has been diagnosed with leukemia. I don't know the details except this one chilling statement: her doctor tells her that she can expect to live for another two to three years. Of course, there is a quick caveat that goes both ways. Death could swoop in and carry her off earlier or Death could be thwarted by luck and/or innovations in the world of cancer treatment. A lot can happen in two to three years.
A lot can happen in two or three years. That bears repeating. And if you are told by medical experts that your life expectancy is now on the table in front of you, well, that's a bit of an eye opener, right? And then there's the ripple effect. The patient being treated is living with the knowledge that there is actually a timeline of life here. The rest of us know we have a timeline but it's not so very specific. But, if you're at all conscious and awake, hearing about your friend's timeline , makes you wonder what your reaction to an imposed timeline like that would be. So, naturally, that's what I am doing.
This morning while walking the dog in the predawn darkness, I reflected on my reaction to this news. Of course, my heart breaks for my friend and for her family. I think immediately of her grandchildren and, because they are quite young, they may have limited memories of her. And there are the grandchildren that she may never know because they may not be on the planet by the time she leaves. On the other hand, she may well be spared the future tragedies that will befall that family (as they must because life). Her departure from the life that we know means that she leaves before having to experience even more sadness and grief.
Once I can move away from the concrete (how is this going to impact my friend and her family), I move to the theoretical: what if I had that same scenario? What if I were told to get my affairs together because I would be leaving before too long. What would I do? Would I change my life in any way? This is going to require a little more time to thoroughly process but my very first response to this part of the reaction was somewhat reassuring. I immediately wondered if I had any unfinished business that needed to be cleared up before I left. Are there messy relationships that need addressing? Are there apologies that need to be accepted and/or extended? I have definitely had my challenging moments in life but I give myself credit for being able to look right at the messy parts of life. I've made mistakes and hurt people along the way. I've made mistakes and been hurt by people along the way too. But I've been fortunate enough to not let too much time get between the mistakes and the apologies (one way or another). I think I live in a world of forgiveness at this point in my life. There are two people from years ago with whom I long to have a conversation with now. I have no animosity or unfinished business with them. I am simply curious about what happened in their lives after we parted ways.
After the reflection on the possibility of unfinished business, my attention turned to that limited future. Okay, if I have only two or three years, would I change anything about the way I am doing my days now? If my time is shorter than I expected, is there something I want more of or something I want less of in my life? I'm in an enviable position now because I took an early retirement from the world of work and I have moved beyond the stresses of daily employment. My days really are my own now and, if they are not satisfying to me, now is the time to change that.
I like the way my days go. I like the opportunity to read, write, paint, walk at the beach, or hike in the hills. None of these things really has a point other than entertainment or enjoyably passing time. Would I want to travel more? I enjoy short travel adventures. I enjoy being in Yosemite and over at Ft Bragg. I wouldn't mind doing more of those but I also don't feel as if I am missing something if I don't get out there more in the world. Those little adventures are fun but not required for my life to be a good life. I do like to be physically active and I like feeling healthy. For sure, I would continue the outdoor activities and the yoga stuff .
With a limited life expectancy, I could take that retirement account which is supposed to last a good 30 years and spend it in the next two to three years. There are things I don't do much now because they are expensive but if I didn't need a long term retirement account, I could fill myself with some small pleasures. I might enjoy food more. I might seek out new flavors and I might dine out more. I might even cook more myself and host dinner parties more often. Or, I might purchase high quality prepared food and still have dinner parties but take away the stress of cooking everything. I like that idea of filling myself with small pleasures: good food, an evening margarita, mojito, or glass of pinot noir, more movies at the theater, more movies on the couch, a weekly massage, more chocolate. Some of that stuff I don't do so much now because it's counterintuitive to a long and healthy life but if that possibility is off the table, then I could dive right in there with these small pleasures.
I do like bringing small gifts for people. I like making donations to causes or political campaigns that matter to me. I bet if I were informed that I had an abbreviated lifeline ahead, I would delight in being able to be even more generous. That would be a plus to leaving the planet earlier than I might have anticipated. To be able to enjoy the small pleasures and share the wealth would be a delight.
What about people? Do I have enough people time in my life? Or do I have too much? I am pleased to spend time with my immediate family as well as the larger extended family and I do that as much as possible these days. I have a broad circle of acquaintances but prefer to keep my close friends to a minimum. I am not one to open up my genuine self to the whole wide world, preferring more intimate connections. Those preferences can leave me feeling lonely at times . I am always warm and friendly but I also often throw a mask on, a mask that permits me to be seen as warm, friendly, and acceptable. Most people that I know don't think about the odd things that I think about (or, if they do, they don't tell me about it). I admit that I am cautious around people, always able to do the small talk thing but rarely able to trust someone to show them the real me. I would like to have more intimate relationships and I'm gradually learning how to do that ( I'll save more about that for another post). But if that limited time line were placed in front of me, I think I would want to be more bold in conversation, more willing to put the real me out there, to take more risks that show who I am. I would seek more affection and more laughter, more playfulness and spontaneity. Maybe I just wouldn't try so hard at anything.
I'm not really done with this reflection but it's been sitting on my desktop for a week now. I am distracted. The loved one referenced in the opening paragraph died the same day I got on a plane this week and left my safe and familiar world. Being away from all the regular routines is confusing and unsettling and this thread is constantly running in the background of my mind. More later.
No comments:
Post a Comment