Hello, Anger. Let's Chat.

Anger and I have always had a challenging relationship. Let’s start with my two childhood introductions to anger. The most powerful introduction to anger came from the Catholic Church: “Hello, I’m anger. I’m a sin.” Yup. That was the message strongly delivered. To feel anger was to be sinful. No, I am not confusing that with acting on or with anger. I was taught that to experience the emotion of anger was to commit a sin. Go figure. But that was my truth. In a way, it was handy for me because, as a Catholic school kid, I was trotted off to Confession every other Friday afternoon. I needed something to tell the priest and, trust me, I was angry a lot. I could always confess to being angry with my mom four times, being angry with my brother five times, and so on. It was a good “go to” sin but it also made me worry that I was going to end up in Purgatory (if not Hell) for a very long time.

The second introduction came from my parents. My father scared me with his displays of anger. He had times when something was gnawing at him and his response was to be silent, except for angry outbursts. He would raise his voice and say things that scared me. He would occasionally throw things across the room or lash out at one of the kids in anger. I know now that there were many reasons for his fury and that he didn’t have the tools to deal with that emotion. Nevertheless, his rage scared me and made me stay far away from him. My mother’s anger was less thundering but still obvious to me. Again, there were reasons for her storms and she had few tools in her toolbox to take care of things. Her anger was much more controlled. I was an observant child. I watched her face for the clenched jaw, her body for the stilted movement. Her words would become clipped and sharp. She would cut to the chase and deliver orders. She would pull back and leave me wondering if she was going to go away. My response was always to up my game, do more chores, write more little love notes, do what kids do when they are scared.

So no wonder I am f**ked when it comes to anger. I have spent most of my life sidestepping my own anger while, at the same time, dodging any situation that might lead to someone being angry with me. It’s as if I have to moderate all activities that involve me and make sure that all participants are happy.  I cannot allow anyone to be angry with me. There are currently two people (that I know of) who are angry with me. In both situations, I have looked carefully at my own behaviors. Did I do something wrong? Was any part of my behavior offensive? What I did, in both situations, was that I did not live up to someone else’s expectations.  In one case, the other person had planning assumptions that didn’t work with my plans. Am I obligated to change my agenda because they are unhappy with my arrangement?  In another situation, the person would like a different kind of relationship than I am interested in having.  Should I give up what I want to please the other person?  In both cases, the people involved are unhappy because I am not behaving as they want me to behave.  It’s hard for me not to just throw up my hands and change things and make it right for them in order to avoid their anger. But is that really the best alternative? In some ways it is the easier but it leaves ME feeling angry and annoyed. I understand  that compromise is important in life and I do have a pattern of looking for compromise whenever anger shows up in the room. I am beginning to think that sometimes anger just has to be. It isn’t necessarily good or bad. It’s a common human emotion and it gets more complex when communication shuts down.

Both of these people matter to me. I know they are hurting and I don’t want to exacerbate that pain. I also have justifications for the decisions that I have made and I owe it to myself to honor those justifications. Maybe my task is to learn to live with anger.  I have spent years learning to repair the damage done to me by the Catholic Church (and, yes, to also appreciate what there was of value there). In the same way, I  have spent time and thought sorting out what was healthy about my family of origin and what was unhealthy. Anger is in this big mix. I am learning now that anger is not the evil it was made out to be. Anger deserves my attention. That doesn’t mean I have to comply with its demands, only that I can be open to what it is asking of me. I want to learn how to sit and have a conversation with anger and maybe have a conversation about anger. I wonder if there is always hurt under the anger?  I wonder if anger is often suggesting different ways to be in the world?  Is there a healthy and connecting way to experience anger? Maybe sometimes anger is a reminder of the value of keeping things in perspective?  I’m willing to experiment with all of this, both when it comes to the anger that I feel and the anger that is directed towards me.  It’s new-ish territory for me. It’s going to take awhile. Be patient with me, World. Please.