It Matters

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 07.15.2020 

COVID-19 brought a plague of fear and despair in the door when it arrived at the edge of last winter.  It has changed how we do daily business and has limited our patterns of interaction with each other.  Not surprisingly then, there is also a lot of lonely in the world right now. Sure, the pandemic should own some of that loneliness but lonely didn’t just walk in with COVID’s isolation. No, loneliness is actually a common human response to the world and one that deserves to be seen for what it is. Often there is a crusty and sharp stigma attached to loneliness. But that stigma is not a healthy community (or personal) response to loneliness.

Loneliness has always existed in humanity. There is a place for it in the human experience.  Unfortunately, it is often viewed with contempt and seen as a weakness. It’s as if there is something wrong with that feeling but what we know is that there is nothing wrong with any feeling. Feelings are a way of connecting with self. There’s nothing wrong with feelings themselves, although there could be something destructive or unhealthy in one’s response to a feeling.  Feelings allow us to notice our response to the world and to adjust that response, if we choose. 

Loneliness most often shows up when a person is experiencing a lack of connection. It could be a lack of connection with self or with family and friends. It could also be that a person feels out of touch with either the seen or unseen bigger world.  Loneliness, perhaps, comes with the territory of being a thoughtful and reflective human being who wants to share the experience of their humanity.  It goes without saying that loneliness and solitude are two different things.  One can spend time in solitude and be quite happy and satisfied in the same way that one can be surrounded by people (even people ordinarily thought of as close and loving) and still feel lonely.  Again, it’s about connection. When connection isn’t present, when there is something vital missing in a relationship or in a person’s life, then loneliness can softly (or thunderously) step in the door.

The thing about loneliness is that people often feel ashamed about being lonely. They don’t want to talk about it or explore its origins because they fear the judgement of the Other (or their own self judgement). They think they will be seen as less than, or unfriendly,  or even as weird or a loser. That’s kind of a vicious circle because thinking that way doesn’t open up any doors, doesn’t give loneliness a place to go. If a person feels negatively judged then it makes it hard to look at what is missing. It makes it hard to give in and sit with the loneliness and maybe even have a convo with it.  If a person can sit with it, maybe they can ask some questions that will lead to the way out of that uncomfortable place of longing.

Loneliness is a response to the world. It‘s function is to tell us that we are missing something. In most cases, it is a temporary feeling. Look away, distract yourself in some way, and often it will dissipate.  There are some strategies for both surrendering to and learning from loneliness. For one thing, simply acknowledging, without judgment, that, yes, there’s Mr Lonely knocking at the front door of my life.  “Hello, Mr. Lonely. I see you are hanging around today. Is there anything you want from me?”  That’s a good conversation starter. The next step might be harder. Listen to what he says. I mean really listen.

We human beings are also social beings. We share our humanity and we are all, each and every one of us, doing the best that we can with the tools that we individually own. We need to lean on each other from time to time. Sometimes we are the rock. Sometimes we are the one in need of a rock to lean on. Loneliness is the reminder that we are really not as alone in this life as we sometimes think we might be.  It takes courage to allow others to lean on us but it also takes an even mightier courage to say, “Hey, I need to be seen right now. Will you open your eyes to me for this piece of time?” 

Yes, it is hard to be a human being. It hurts to be a human being,  especially a human being who can feel the mystery and wonder in the universe.  We have to be there for each other in those fragile moments and we need to be there for our own selves as well. Being seen in the world makes all the difference in our lives and reminds us that we don’t have to do this alone. We live in an increasingly independent society but perhaps part of the value of the pandemic is a nudge towards more dependence and connection. I hope so.