*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 08.14.2020
"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.”
Perhaps you recognize that line from the Bob Dylan song “My Back Pages.” I’ve been singing along with that song since I was a college kid, never quite stopping to think, “What does that line mean?” It’s true that the entire song is filled with mysterious lyrics (I’ve included it at the end of this post) but this line is the thread that holds the rest of the song together. I was older then, I’m younger than that now.
I have had some remarkable times in my life. I’ve been lucky enough to laugh often in the company of family and friends. I’ve relished the beauty and challenges of outdoor activity. I’ve had numerous opportunities to become a more educated person, following my curiosity and passions. All this is true but I have also worked hard my entire life. Work has always defined me, whether that is school work, chores at home, after school jobs, career work, family responsibilities. Always work has been in my bones.
I grew up in a working class home. My parents were genuine salt of the earth people and I am proud of them and what they did with their lives. As long as they were alive, I witnessed responsibility, compassion, determination, loyalty, generosity, and a strong work ethic. I learned early and was reminded repeatedly that nose to the grindstone is the way to live a productive and valuable life.
Somehow though, nose to the grindstone makes you old before your time. Again, I have had lots of good times in life but behind those good times was a completed “to do” list. I grew up taking responsibility seriously. I also grew up in a rule bound house, governed by the Catholic Church and parents who were trying to manage nine kids in a small house. Rules and responsibility can make you old before your time too.
I felt old when I was young. Now that I am older, I am starting to feel young. Health issues launched me into an early retirement from a satisfying but challenging profession. It took me a couple of years to become less demanding of myself, to give myself permission to take my nose off the grindstone and smell the roses. I currently have the most freedom that I have ever had. I don’t owe time to anyone - not to school, not to work, not even to children in my care. Other than being a respectful and decent human being, I have few responsibilities. I don’t have to think about moving up whatever ladder I might have once climbed. I’m not wealthy but I have enough resources to pay for books, art supplies, moderate travel adventures, and political and social donations. I currently have a lightness that I have never experienced. I think it's that lightness that makes me think of youth.
The decade of my life that is most appealing to me at the moment, is my twenties. Yes, I worked hard, both in school and at the jobs that paid for everything. I worked hard but I remember a vitality and an engagement with life that were enviable. I took care of myself but I also surrounded myself with my crew. I had an “eyes wide open” take on the world, willing to risk a lot in order to experience more. That’s who I want to be now. I want to call that young woman out of her retirement and have her show me again how to be impulsive, how to be less cautious, how to be even more open, how to stay curious, how to love the questions. I actually think I am on my way to doing all of that but she’d be good company. She was a lot of fun but she also knew how to feel, how to live in the mystery, how to give her heart away and how to save herself when her heart was crushed. I want to hang out with her again. I want the lightness and curiosity that comes with being young. I’ll have to see if I can find her.
My Back Pages
by Bob Dylan
Crimson flames tied through my ears, rollin' high and mighty traps
Pounced with fire on flaming roads using ideas as my maps
"We'll meet on edges, soon, " said I, proud 'neath heated brow
Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now
Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth, "rip down all hate, " I screamed
Lies that life is black and white spoke from my skull, I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers foundationed deep, somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now
Girls' faces formed the forward path from phony jealousy
To memorizing politics of ancient history
Flung down by corpse evangelists, unthought of, though somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now
A self-ordained professor's tongue too serious to fool
Spouted out that liberty is just equality in school
"Equality, " I spoke the word as if a wedding vow
Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand at the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy in the instant that I preach
My existence led by confusion boats, mutiny from stern to bow
Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now
Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms quite clear, no doubt, somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then I'm younger than that now
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Bob Dylan
No comments:
Post a Comment