Transformation

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 10.05.2021

 Someone asked this question on Twitter recently:  What was a transformative experience in your life?

My immediate reaction was, ”What? I guess I have not had a transformational experience since I have no idea what that even means.” But then I went through some of the responses that had been posted and I saw it differently. The author of the question later clarified the meaning as events that fundamentally change us. But they muddied the water by adding this: [transformational] experiences are demarcation points [in life], where you know that you were different before and after they occurred.  

Although that last part muddies the water it also clears it up. You are different before and after the event. My dad’s death was transformational. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. He woke up one ordinary October morning, couldn’t breathe, and died. I was shocked. This was my first up close and personal experience with death and it did transform me. I understood then what so many other people already knew. I got what it meant to lose an important someone permanently and I knew a little more about how to talk to people who were grieving the loss of a loved one. 

As others cited, the birth of my first child was transformational. The instant of transformation occurred when he was about two days old. I was alone in the house with him and had just put him down to sleep in the padded laundry basket that we were using for a temporary cradle.  I remember watching his tiny figure as he slept. I remember being overcome with the realization that my life would never be the same again. Anything that happened to him was going to be felt by me too. His successes, his sadnesses, his joys, his pain - they were mine now too forever. I could not ever be just me again. 

There are many experiences in life that changed me or altered the course of my life but were they transformational? Did I know I was different as a result of the experience? I was married and divorced at an early age. I learned so much through those years and, yes, I was transformed by the experience of that relationship but I don’t think I really knew that until later in life. I had a serendipitous experience that resulted in my admission and subsequent completion of grad school but was that serendipitous experience transformative or was it the way the door opened? I surely did not feel at the time that my life had changed because I registered for a class. It was only three years later, after completing the program, that I really realized how much had changed. 

Maybe the crux is in the change itself. Was I shaken at the core by the experience? Did the experience change my sense of who I am? 

I married for a second time ten years after the first marriage. I did not feel transformed. Rather, the marriage felt like the continuation of my life. I was still the person I had been. There was no internal earthquake. I didn’t have that sense that my life had changed but rather that it had merely turned the page to the next chapter. I think that is how a lot of the changes in my life feel. Although the course of my life may have been altered, the change isn’t monumental nor does it shake my core. It’s as if I am reading a book and turning the pages to new chapters. I am reading with curiosity although sometimes there may be sections of the book that I would prefer to skim because they don’t’ really grab me. And there are other passages that I have to pause and reread and maybe even highlight. Sometimes I can predict what’s coming next in the story and sometimes the twists surprise me. Sometimes the story makes me cry and sometimes I want to read a passage to someone else because it makes me laugh. I watch my progress through the book and wonder about the ending.

I remember working with a therapist once upon a time. I had a rough patch and was discouraged with what I saw as slow progress. I flat out asked him, “What’s the point of therapy anyway?”  He threw me an immediate one work answer: “Transformation”. At the time, I let his response roll off me because I didn’t get it. I  couldn’t understand what he was talking about. Further down the road though, I got it. I saw the transformation in me. It was no lightning bolt of change but I knew I was a different person than the one who had first walked into his office.

To be honest, I long for truly transformational experiences. I am particularly envious of people who have transformational experiences that give them purpose and direction. How wonderful that would be! The two truly transformational experiences from my life that I cited above made me aware of the Great Mystery. I can’t tell you anything more about that because I don’t  understand it. It’s just a term that I have come to use lately to explain my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things.  The term recognizes the fragility of all human beings, myself included, and it gives me a tool to keep my own life in perspective. The Great Mystery tells me that I will never have the answers to all my questions. It tells me to breathe and to stay curious. It says, “Don’t give up. Don’t despair. Pay attention. Stay curious.”  

I may wish for transformational experiences but I have the feeling that is not the way it works. You can wish all you want but that doesn’t make them happen. How DOES it work? I guess you reflect back on the Great Mystery.  People talk about trusting the Universe. Again, I’m not sure I know that that exactly means but maybe it means that “the Universe” will give you the transformative experiences that you need? I don’t know. For now, that is an unsatisfactory answer for me but it works for other people. Maybe I just need to try it on for awhile.