*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 11.03.2020
Back in July I wrote a piece to address the question, “How are you managing?” The pandemic was moving into its fifth month and people wanted to know how other people were doing. We had moved beyond the initial very scary opening days and weeks of COVID-19 and into the more contained fears of the next few months. In July, I responded that I was getting pretty tired of the whole thing (who wasn’t?). I acknowledged my good fortunate because my income is not dependent on going out into the world to work. I do not have children who need to be educated and I am, by nature, more of an introvert. Yes, I was missing my people (especially family) and was keenly aware of the scent of anxiety that hung in every corner of the house. But I was grateful that beaches and parks had reopened and I could manage reasonably well without socializing, traveling, or going out to restaurants, music venues, movies, or shops. Now we are four more months down the road. How am I doing now?
It’s interesting to watch my response as it has changed over the months. I think in July, I was more willing to look for the silver lining to the pandemic but now I feel so trapped, so stifled, that I can barely notice any silver lining. I am over it. Done. But, as they say, the virus is not done with us.
The hardest parts right now are the losses that keep accumulating. I am lucky because neither I nor anyone I know well has contracted the virus. Yes, I play by the rules and so do all the people I know but there are still friends and family who do have to go out in the world to work. There are necessary trips to the grocery, the pharmacy, the post office, the doctor. Because science knows that this virus is highly infectious, there are ways that any of us could pick it up, even if we are wearing masks and washing hands. Unless you are 100% at home, and sanitize anything that comes into the house, you take some risk of exposure. So, I acknowledge that my circle has been lucky to remain healthy.
But preserving physical health is not the end all and the be all. I alluded above to losses and I think that is what is weighing the heaviest on me right now. I am so aware of events and traditions that have been set aside in the interest of health and that feels as if it is growing into a Mt Everest of loss. Today is November 2 and we just passed the king of kid holidays - Halloween. It was a Saturday night and a blue moon lit up the evening but the neighborhood was relatively still. Everyone stayed inside and hid away from each other. I’m not a big Halloween fan but even I missed the silliness, the laughter, the funny teenagers playing the dress-up parts, the parents and little kids streaming up and down the front steps to holler out “Trick-or-treat!” It left me feeling empty and sad, as if I were missing a piece of life.
And we’ve only just begun. We are coming into the winter holiday time. How is this going to feel? Thanksgiving is a relatively non commercial celebration of abundance and family of all kinds but this year we will be celebrating solitary Thanksgivings. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that. One can be grateful in a very small group but there’s something lost when gratitude can’t be shared. I know, it can be shared via technology or snail mail but an on-line hug cannot compete with an arms-wrapped-around hug, a hug that includes the nose buried in the Other’s body. No, it can’t compete.
The December holidays get commercial, for sure, but they also are full of songfests and traditional performances and church services. There are holiday parties that bring laugher and levity to workplaces, schools, communities, elder care establishments, even stores. The family gatherings can have tense moments but more often than not, I venture to say, the holidays leave people feeling connected, grateful, and full in every way. How is all that going to be this year? It feels already like December will be a month of abandoned days, days looking for affection and celebration. Again, that’s not to say that some surface level contact can’t be had. But I am afraid the lack of December warmth will make January even more cold and depressing than it usually is (for me anyway).
So how am I managing? I am looking for anything that can make me feel less trapped, less punished, less deprived. I have always enjoyed the ancient holiday music (and some of the newer songs, as well). I can take long walks and maybe even bike rides and look for stark beauty outside while filling my ears with classical winter music. I am not a big TV fan but I could participate in the fictional and filmed world of holiday movies. Some people might find joy in cooking and eating but that’s not me. I might find some joy in painting and writing some holiday cards to family and friends. I have a feeling that the overall tone of November and December might depend on the outcome of the national elections this week. If decency and respect prevail, then maybe the holidays can breathe in that goodness and breathe out with hope. If the elections doom us to intolerant and greedy leadership, then we will need to breathe in dismay, take a pause, and breathe out determination. IDK
I was going to say that I don’t seem to be managing the pandemic well at the moment. I am tired of the restrictions and tired of the solitude. I ache for all that is being lost (so much more than I referenced here). I can’t see the silver lining at the moment. Does that mean it doesn’t exist? Huh. I don’t know. What I can say is that I am growing more and more capable of being able to stay curious. I am less likely now to think I know what is going to happen next. I can keep a don’t-know mind about the future and that keeps me curious and sometimes even excited about life. Is that a silver lining?
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