Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 04.22.2022 

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen

(this is the epigraph for Bittersweet)

I was captured by Susan Cain's book Quiet when it was released in 2013. I could find myself in that book and in Cain's positive spin on what it meant to be a person who leans to introversion in a world that bows to extroversion. I enjoyed the newfound knowledge and the many vignettes that illustrated the points that Cain was constructing. Her new book is full of information and vignettes about the power and value of sorrow and longing in our life. It didn't grab me as tightly as Quiet did but I suspect that is because, both personally and professionally, I have acquired much experience and knowledge with the roles that sorrow and longing play in our lives. In short, the book didn't have the same pull for me as Quiet did but that's because of me, not Ms Cain. I know more and so it is harder to impress me.

I do believe there is a need for this book. The American culture has made positivity the end all and the be all. It reminds me of how extroversion used to be seen as healthy and necessary and people who leaned toward introversion needed to be "fixed". Cain asserts that there is a place for poignancy, for an acute awareness of the passage of time, for noticing and embracing beauty of all kinds. There is value in loneliness, sorrow, and longing . These are all part of the human experience. In fact, they are the experiences that most connect us. But they can't connect us if we hide them. They don't need to be brushed aside and replaced with positivity. Sure, there is value in seeing the bright side of a situation but perhaps not before first seeing the darker side. Yin/yang. Human beings need them both but 21st century Americans are exhorted to be and stay positive above all else.

Cain pitches a strong case for the presence of melancholy in our lives. She illuminates her ideas with interesting scenarios and with links to various sites that will clarify her points. In addition to defining the terms and highlighting their place in our lives, Cain also discusses how the nation got this way and strategies we can use to allow these emotions to be present in a useful way.

The last third of her book resonated the most for me. In this section, Cain takes on the presence of death in our lives. She dives right into a conversation about death (ours and others) and about the importance of grief. Seriously, how are we supposed to live joyful lives when death is all around us? Well, first by noticing and acknowledging that death is all around us. A few other reviewers have been less than enthusiastic about this section, decrying what they felt was a fall away from the study of human psychology and into the more nebulous world of spirituality. IDK. I think she does get a bit cosmic in this section but maybe that is why it appealed to me the most. She touched on the mystery of the cosmos. There is so much that human beings simply cannot comprehend. I used to want to know it all. I wanted to know the answers to all the Big Questions. I was a seeker of the highest caliber. I remain a seeker. I am still looking for correct answers to Big Questions. But I can feel myself making room for the crack that lets the light in. Cain's last section gives me more permission to do that and, for that reason, the book is valuable to me.

If you are curious about those moments when you have experienced being held by bittersweet tears, you might enjoy this book. If you don't know I am talking about, I highly recommend that you read this book. It could change your life.