All the Selves

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 08.30.2022

I remember when I was 24. I thought I had figured out one of the basic truths of life. And it’s true. I had learned something huge. I just didn’t know that I was only getting the tip of the iceberg.

Here’s the deal. I got married at an unbelievably young age. In retrospect I realize that the marriage was ill suited. I married a good person but I married mostly because I didn’t think I would ever have another chance at marriage. I thought I had to accept this proposal because there would never be another one. WHY I thought that is beyond me now but it is what prompted me to go ahead with a marriage when I had just barely turned 19. The thing is that there was a deep part of me that knew that this was the wrong decision for me.  I was waiting for someone else to say , “Hey, hold on. Is this really what you want to do?”. But nobody said that. No one questioned it or me and so I allowed plans to unfold.

Fast forward five years later.  At 24 I had completed my BA, I had traveled extensively and yes, the divorce was finalized that year. I had come through the most difficult experience of my life and had grown in confidence and strength. There was one thing I knew for sure. I knew that I would always listen to the voice in my head. I knew that, in getting married, I had ignored something that I should never ignore again. 

And here’s the rub. It’s one thing to say at 24 that I will listen to the voice in my head. Life, for me, was fairly simple at 24. I had no partner and no children. I was curious about so many options in the world of work. I was open to living in different places. It truly was a matter of trusting myself and making choices based on what I heard from myself. All good. I was pretty self assured by 24. I thought I had it figured out.  However, I had NO idea how complex life was going to get. That’s what I mean by the tip of the iceberg. 

A few decades and a lot of living later, I am flummoxed as to how to hear anything but a roar from the voices in my head. Back then? Back then it was one clear voice. Now, it’s the voices of all the selves that have lived since then. They are strong and they are sure and they all want to be heard. They all want me to honor their wisdom. 

Hey, 24? You want to know something. It’s not that simple. In fact, it is anything but simple. It is loud and frustrating and discouraging and exhausting. 

I can’t hear my self among all those voices.  How do I tell them to go away and leave me alone?