Something New

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 07.25.2020

 I was on the periphery of a conversation  the other day about marriage. One of the participants in the convo asserted that the only reason to get married is so that you don’t die alone. For lots of reasons, I disagree with that statement but it did set me to thinking about marriage and what my beliefs are around that institution.

One word that applies is “useful”. Marriage is useful but I don’t think it is as useful in its current style as it could be. The first recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies dates from about 2300 BCC and from there forward the institution evolved into a standard convention.  As one might imagine, marriage was initially an economic arrangement (on several levels) and, of course, at some point religion got involved.  The practical reasons for marriage did not become infused with love until about the Middle Ages.  Throughout this evolution, though, marriage was defined as the permanent union of one man and one woman. In due course, there were rules set in place so that a marriage could be broken and eventually, in some places, the idea of marriage was broadened to include gay and lesbian marriage.

Marriage is a consensual and contractual relationship that is recognized by the law. It provides structure for two people who want that structure. Most people entering into marriage plan for this to be a life long commitment. Most vows include the line “for the rest of our lives” or “until death do us part” or some variation.  That’s where I would like to see some revamping.

Back in the Middle Ages, if you were male and lived past the age of ten, you could expect to live until about the age of 35 (maybe a little more, maybe a little less). So when you were getting married, promising to stay married “until death do us part” meant, if all went well, getting married, having children, raising those children to independence, and then dying.  The marriage was about creating  and nurturing a family and both partners had their roles in that process. And then they died.

Funny, over time that changed. The part about creating and nurturing a family stayed the same but life expectancy grew. Not only did life expectancy grow, but the way we live changed. Expectations for our lives changed because, you know, everything changes. With that in mind, I would like to propose a tweak to the marriage contract. It’s certainly not a new idea but it’s one that might be ready for prime time. How about we talk about a renewable marriage contract.

This idea of deciding, say, at age 25, that you are going to spend the rest of your life with this other person seems a bit extreme to me. What do you really know at age 25? Hmmm, not that much. Not really. You might THINK you know a lot and maybe you do but experience is an excellent teacher.  You might also think at age 25 that you are a fully formed adult, as is your partner. You are each done, so to speak, so that the person you are marrying now is pretty much going to be the same person in 20 or 30 years because they were all grown up when you got married. Right? Wrong. Everyone changes in ways big and small. What if the person you married at 25 evolves into someone that you are not so compatible with at 45?  I suspect that happens all the time and people say, “Oh well, marriage is about making a commitment and sticking with it.”  Or, “Marriage is about adjusting and shifting and changing and that’s what you do when you are married.” Or, as is often the case, one or both of the partners negotiates, one way or another, the dissolution of the marriage.

Marriage is a valuable and necessary contract but I think we could benefit from taking it in smaller doses. What if, when you got married, it was for a specific amount of time much like a person holds elected office for a specific amount of time? What if you had a contract, specific to this marriage, outlining the significant details for this particular couple? The details could include financial and property arrangements and arrangements for any children who might currently be coming along into this marriage or who might be expected during the duration of the contract. Other parts of the contract could include whatever is important to the individuals involved: residence requirements, roles and responsibilities, extended family obligations and issues. Certainly not everything has to be (nor should be) outlined but there could a legal check list of sorts that is a spring board for discussion and decision. 

This contract is then in place for a certain number or years. For example, the initial contract stands for five years. At the end of five years, the individuals then decide if they want to renew the contract for another five years. What I like about this is, if the contract is renewed, then people are making a conscious choice to stay together. They have had the opportunity to legally and morally opt out and they are choosing to stay together. I think that makes people work harder at developing a strong, thoughtful marriage. Marriage is not taken for granted. You know that, to keep the marriage contract going, each partner needs to give attention to what will make the marriage thrive. The way we have it set up now feels more like, okay, we’re married.  Yes, I want to be happy and to make my partner happy but I have this piece of paper that says we will stay together forever so I shouldn’t have to worry about that.  Of course, at the present time there is always divorce but divorce is expensive and heartbreaking .  A renewable contract says, “It’s okay to opt out. There is no stigma here.”  A renewable contract can also be revised and adjusted to accommodate the changing needs of the couple.

People DO change. Needs, desires, interests - it can all change. And people end up sometimes feeling stuck, perhaps especially in a long term marriage. Divorce after years of marriage is complex and messy but if you had to re-up every five years, you’d have a necessary opportunity on a regular basis to see how well the whole thing is working for both of you.  And you could do that  without making either partner the bad guy and without stigma and outside judgement. Well, maybe there’d still be judgment because human beings and likely there would still be heartbreak because love and attachment. And life is hard.

I know there is a school of thought that says marriage needs to be a forever contract because that the commitment to that forever contract is enough to keep people together. But is that really a healthy way to live or is that merely the traditional way of doing business? A renewable contract certainly does not remove forever marriage from the picture but it also gives imperfect human beings another way to do things. There is also more planning, more conversation, more work involved in a renewable contact  but that is a good thing, if you ask me. Marriage should not be taken lightly and so the more discussion at all stages, the better.

What do you think? What am I missing in this proposal? Where are the flaws? Just curious.