Nothing Is Perfect and Everything Is Perfect

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 08.09.2021

 One of the happiest periods of my life was the seven year stretch when, through frugal budgeting,  I was able to stay home full time with my two (then) very small children.  I completely enjoyed their presence. I delighted in caring for them, watching them grow daily.  I was curious about  the way they saw the world and I enjoyed interacting with them in every way. We took morning neighborhood walks, stopping often to play in the park or visit the library. Their afternoon naps were always followed with cuddle and book time on the couch. Once the older one turned three, I gave them the company of Mr Rogers and Sesame Street while I took care of dinner stuff. For the most part, however, they were my daily life and I was happy.

Those two cute kids went off to public school and I went back to work with them. They grew up and out of the house and life settled down to a world with only occasional infusions of children’s laughter and tears.  From time to time, some friend or relative would wonder aloud if I was looking forward to grandchildren. To be honest, I was not. It had nothing to do with grandchildren themselves and much more to do with the baggage I carried about grandparents. I have very little personal experience with grandparents. My own were either dead already when I was born or they were emotionally distant. My children had a similar grandparent situation. Their grandparents were either dead or emotionally/geographically distant. To me, becoming a grandparent meant I was old. I was done. I would somehow turn into that emotionally distant shadow that had been my experience.  

I was not opposed to becoming a grandparent. I was just not eager for the transition to that stage of life. No matter what my chronological age was, being a grandparent put me in my own “old” category. No matter what birthday I had last celebrated, grandparenthood made me close to death.  As my son and daughter lived their best lives, gaining professional degrees, gathering life experiences, and choosing life partners, I skated on my own notions of youthful aging.  My son married in 2015 and his sister married in 2016 but I knew the deadly grandchildren were still years off.

In 2019, I had a glance at what was in store when my son and his wife were so happy to tell us that they were expecting a baby. I could not believe my own reaction to their news. It made me cry, in a good way. I was so surprised at the depth of feeling and excitement that this announcement provoked.  I walked on air until the day it all crashed with the incredibly sad news that they were going to lose the baby. Again, I was shocked by my grief. Several months later, we sadly and unbelievably went through the exact same situation with my daughter and her husband: joyful news eliciting a delightful emotional response but news that crashed when they too lost their baby. As a big family we grieved these losses and told ourselves to wait. Our family would expand when the time was right.

On January 21, 2021 (1.21.21) our patience was rewarded with the healthy arrival of our daughter and her husband’s baby girl .  Rory was five pounds five ounces of tiny fragile beauty and I was the proverbial putty in her hands. Oh my!  I was so surprised at my own immediate response to her. I was captivated from the moment I saw the photos that Meg sent. COVID interfered with so much early bonding time and opportunities but we all made the best of it. Understandably, her parents were making every effort to limit Rory’s exposure to COVID but they did allow Rory’s grandparents to visit and hold her (masks firmly in place) from the beginning. Thank you for that.

I still cannot fathom how rapidly my daily life changed. Whereas pre-Rory, I was happy to paint, read, write, cycle, do chores, walk at the beach, and hike local trails. Now, however,  I will drop everything to spend time with that new life. Meg and Lucas live about a 20 minute drive from us and I am happy to go over there at any time if and when they are open for company. I am keenly aware that they need time to be their own family and I avoid unnecessary intrusions on their time but I also am happy to come over and help with chores or sit with Rory so Meg can nap or just have some alone time. Meg goes back to work when school starts and I am pleased to be available for child care. 

I wish I had the words to describe the connection I feel to this new-to-the-planet person. I rock her to sleep often and am bowled over by the way her eyes search mine. Her tiny hand wraps itself around my index finger and it’s as if that touch is her assurance that she can close her eyes and she will be safe in these arms. I suppose it’s the power of love that I feel. What could be more pure than a newborn’s trust in her caregiver?  What could better represent the magic of love? 

I still marvel at how much Rory has captured me. It’s odd to me that I should be so surprised. It’s no secret that I very much enjoy children and that I loved those infant/toddler years with my own children. But something is different now. I suppose, as others have suggested, that it could be simply that I am not responsible for this newborn’s life. The responsibility of raising this child to adulthood is not mine. I simply get to hold and love and protect and nurture but I don’t have to go to work or provide care 24/7. I think a bigger part of my love affair with Rory has to do with the passage of time. I am not the young mother, brimming with eagerness and curiosity, reading those child rearing books and wondering how it will all go. No, my story as a young parent is complete. I have learned a great deal about life and about myself since those chapters were written. I have wisdom now that I could not have had back in those days. I am even more aware of the mystery that is life. I’m not as dedicated to finding the answers as I am to living the questions (as Rilke says).  I don’t have the almost frenetic energy that says all must be done correctly. No, in fact, I have a calmness that informs me that all will unfold the way it is supposed to. My job right now is to be a supportive grandparent, helpful to Rory and to her parents. Nothing has to be perfect and everything is perfect.

And, guess what?  Rory will have a cousin soon and I will have a second grandchild to love and learn from.  Our son and his wife are now expecting a baby girl in October. I know the wonder of her will astound me. I am a tad bit prepared now for the flood of feelings but that will not make her arrival any less momentous or significant. I know how love works. Adding a new person takes nothing away from anyone else and only brings new wonder and joy.