Waiting

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 12.06.2019

 In the Christian liturgical calendar, we have now entered the season of Advent, the season of waiting.  I grew up in a deeply Catholic home, with parents who lived a deeply embedded Catholic life.  Advent, which starts on the fourth Sunday before December 25th, marked a muted yet excited time in our home.  Christmas unfolded gradually, with signs appearing along the way.  Shortly after Thanksgiving, my mother started spending her evenings writing Christmas cards, a few a night, and the mail carrier started delivering Christmas cards, a few a day.   We began to see "cigar stands" in the neighborhood (homes decorated with lights) and my parents gradually began playing Christmas music,  generally religious in nature but also some of the classic non-religious carols.

The Catholic school closed shortly before Christmas and that meant that my siblings and I all assisted in a very through Christmas house cleaning. Once the house was spotless,  one of my parents and a brother or three would go to the lot and pick out a Christmas tree.  Two days before Christmas, my mother, with the help of all the kids, would make a variety of holiday cookies. Somewhere during that week, my brothers and I would take our precious allowance that we had been saving for weeks and walk to the the Sav-On Drugstore to do our long awaited shopping for each other and for the parents.  Never was the tree up before December 23rd but seeing that decorated tree felt like the culmination of all the waiting.  There was such anticipation. Those last few days of waiting were so exciting but it emphatically was not a frenetic excitement.  Somehow, even as children, there was an awareness of how extraordinary these December days were, how rich with tradition and meaning they  were for our people.  Hats off to my parents for creating such an exceptional experience for their kids, one we all remember with fondness. I carry some anger and bitterness about the Catholic tradition and no longer participate but there are parts for which I am grateful.  The poetry of Christmas is one of them.

But I'm stuck on the waiting part.  In the Christian tradition, Advent is about waiting for the birth of the Baby Jesus.  All these preparations are made for his coming. The Church waits for him.  These days, people also spend December waiting.  They wait  for parties, vacations, desserts, holiday clothing, big food, blockbuster movies, gift cards, and for the end of the holiday season.  It's about waiting and then something happens. The baby comes, the parties ensue, the vacation plays out, the desserts are devoured,  the holiday clothing is unveiled, the big food is polished off, the movies are applauded, the gift cards are hailed, and January 2nd finally arrives. The waiting is over.  A new year begins.

I feel like I have been waiting for several years now.  Waiting for what? I don't know.  It's not like things haven't happened along the way.  Over the last five years my work situation changed.  Five important people died.  My health saw some challenges.  Both of my children married wonderful people. Both of those couples suffered pregnancy losses.  The property on which I live saw substantial changes (beyond that which was detailed here: http://graciewilde.com/2019/11/09/keep-the-faith-how/).   And, in the bigger world,  injustices proliferated both nationally and internationally and I ached in the wake of injustice after injustice.  So it's not as if my days stand endlessly still, no doors opening or closing.  Stuff has happened but still I am waiting.  Waiting for what?

My  professional life was highly satisfying. The best and most important work of my life was being on a parent team that raised two good people.  Those jobs are done.  Maybe I'm waiting for a new job?  But somehow what I'm waiting for feels less concrete than a new job. Maybe I need to broaden my definition of a job?  I just can't shake the feeling of waiting. I don't know if I am waiting for something to happen?  Waiting for something new to emerge?  Waiting to reopen something I've known before?  Maybe I am waiting for a new passion, for a new assignment from the universe, an assignment that will sweep me up into the Milky Way and allow me to see the world differently.  It's a mystery.

During Advent, children wait for Baby Jesus (and Santa Claus!) to come.  Adults wait for drinks and desserts and to be swept off their feet by surprises. I'm not waiting for Jesus or Santa Claus.  I'm not waiting for drinks or desserts. I could be waiting for surprises. I have been on the planet long enough to know that, waiting for them or not, surprises are going to happen. I hope for a marvelous surprise instead of another sad or distressing surprise. There are those who say that,  if you wait long enough, everything turns into goodness. I'm waiting.