Living With Dying

*Originally posted on my Wordpress blog 03.22.2020

I’m stuck.  I want to write but I am discouraged and thinking way too much about what the rest of the world is obsessing over. COVID-19.  The world has now been taken over by this virus and it dictates our every day.  It has a power over people that I’ve never seen before. There is no room for anything else. Even if I go outside to enjoy a walk in nature, I am reminded repeatedly that everyone is staying away from everyone else.  The newspaper and periodicals are nothing but COVID-19 and its repercussions. Social media is nothing but the same.  I am having a hard time focusing on reading a book, painting, or even streaming some mindless entertainment.  My mind simply wraps around and around and around and around the consequences of this pandemic. Will people I love get sick? Will people I love die? Will the economy be so broken that recovery will be a distant hope? Those are the big picture fears but there is the minutia as well.

It’s scary.  Most of the previous routines are out the window. Yes, I can take a walk in the neighborhood, I can hang out in the house, but I can’t visit with people, I can’t touch people, I can’t connect.  Sure, I can check in via phone or  some video technology but that just doesn’t work for me. I can check in via email, text, or social media.  That is more my style but it lacks depth and full presence.  I can’t really say what I want to or need to say in text or in an on line post. I shouldn’t go to the grocery store and I can’t get a haircut, go to the library, or attend a yoga class. I can’t go to Bell Springs to see my brothers, I can’t meet up with my book people or go to my art class.  I’m lonely. I feel as if all I am doing is waiting for time to pass.

I try to look on the bright side but, honestly? That is getting old because it feels like just words.  People post or send out inspiring words or videos.  That was perfect for the first few days but now they have lost their power. References to hope or change seem like false illusions.  I am disillusioned and dark. And I know that I am not the only one. I do think we take turns holding each other up but how long can we do this?  I mean, it's only been 12 or 15 days of panic in the neighborhood , yet I can feel the weight of it wearing people out already.  Myself included.  And those in the know decidedly DON'T know how long the world will be stalled like this. 

Here’s the thing. I have been around long enough to know that all this WILL change.  Everything changes. This will too. But, there’s that monster called Fear again. Will change include the loss of people I love?  I suppose it could include the loss of my own life but, oddly, that doesn’t bother me so much.  If I’m dead, then okay. I’m off to the next adventure (even if that adventure is nothingness). But if someone I love dies, then I have to go on without them.  But think about it. That’s true all the time. I am always aware that someone I love might die and might die unexpectedly.  It’s happened before and it surely will happen again (unless I beat them to it! ). So, really , this COVID-19 thing is no different than life every day. There is always the threat of death. This time it’s just in my face constantly. Hello, human being, welcome to actually living with the idea of dying. And, while you’re at it, wash your hands.