*Originally posted on my Wordpress blog 08.19.2022
When it comes to life, I am way beyond irritation. Irritation is when some entity doesn’t return a call or when you can’t find your favorite brand of PB on the store shelf anymore. Those are annoying moments in life but I deal. I know there is a ton of beauty and grace in the Universe and I am open to all of it. But then there are days/weeks/months/years like this when life is disappointing. NOT disappointing across the board, not everything. I know I have much for which to be grateful. I am, however, in some significant arenas, defeated and disillusioned. I don't think I am the only one who is walking around wearing a happy mask but I might be one of the few willing to say it out loud (or, actually, hide it in a blog post that has a limited audience :). Too funny. I am deeply mourning the loss of connection. This absence leaves an aching emptiness that feels as big as the universe. A confluence of factors has led to this loss. I am in a long term marriage that provides financial stability and serves as a reservoir for family connections and memories. We have a cordial and respectful relationship which has dissolved into superficiality. Enough said. Our children are responsible, kind, and understandably busy working and raising families. I delight in supporting them in ways that I can (child care mostly) but their needs/interests have shifted. Connecting with me beyond the family rituals is beyond what they need to do as adult children of mine. I have eight siblings and I do value my connections with all of them. Unfortunately they all live more than a couple of hours drive from me and I let that distance get in the way. It's hard for me to deal with all the driving and the necessary overnight stays so that's a bummer.
COVID shot to hell the small but important cadre of personal friendships that I had. For some reason (and I hear many other people comment on this), I have reconnected with very few of the people I used to get coffee or a glass of wine with back in pre-Covid days. IDK why. I admit that I am not a compliant ZOOM person so that is my bad. I do have an active on-line friendship group (primarily but not exclusively through Twitter) and that has had some delightful encounters. But it's a screen world. Screens can only offer so much. There's only so much depth to be had absent all the cues that come with IRL interactions. There are also so many ways to unintentionally hurt or disappoint (or be unintentionally hurt/disappointed) by on-line connections. It's a dicey place, the world of screens and images. That world contains it all: candor, hopefulness, duplicity, vulnerability, fear, humor, levity, loneliness, kindness, beauty, tears, ordinary day stuff. You name it, it's there and it wants your opinion.
I know a few things though. I know I am an expert at putting one foot in front of the other. I know the strength and value of curiosity. I know that everything changes. I know enough to appreciate the beauty and grace that I see and feel every day in the Universe. They are real. I am not afraid to question everything. I'm not afraid to sit in stillness on a regular basis. Life is absolutely messy and, even though I am a Virgo and am not fond of messy, I can also enjoy the messiness of days fully lived. So there's that.
Oh, and I have one superpower. I know how to pretend until pretend becomes real. I will be okay.
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