Life is Messy

*First published Nov 27, 2017 in previous blog

There used to be a time when I thought that if I worked hard enough and did everything right I could figure everything out.  And by "figure everything out"  I mean that I could make things work out just so.  I thought there could be a world in which people and items and ideas and plans would all cooperate with me.  They would all line up and behave just as I thought they should.  The world would be neat and orderly. I would be able to get up in the morning and have this lovely, smooth day unfold in front of me every day.

Huh.  I don't know where I got that idea. I never articulated it like that but I know now that that was the video running in my head for years.  I was attracted to the calm vision, to the sense that all should be right in the world.  My movie had the whole life dance orchestrated with grace and fluidity.  No disarray, no disorder.  I know better now.

Now I get that life is, indeed, messy.  There are spills and rips and piercing noises.  There's blood and vomit and broken bones.  Cars crash,  rivers flood, and children die.  Messy.  But here's the other part.  Messy can be beautiful.  It can bring unexpected pleasure.  It can be goofy and fun.  It can taste good.  It can make your heart beat fast.  It can make your soul wish for company.  Messy can be colorful and strident and soft and exciting all at the same time.

No matter what the video was that used to play in my head, I have learned  now that life is messy.  No way around it.  There's a line from e.e. cummings:

"Damn everything but the circus!"

The circus suggests anything but calm and orderly.  I've decided to make room for the circus in my life.  Sometimes I might watch it. Sometimes I might direct it. Sometimes I might be the star of the  center ring. And sometimes I might even be the ticket taker.  But one thing I know for sure. I'd rather live in a messy circus filled life than die in a neat, orderly, predictable life.