A Personal God

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 05.24.2022

God. This is a tough post to write but that’s the reason I need to/want to write it.  I can’t talk about God. That topic is way too touchy for me.  I can talk about anything else.  Where some people get tongue tied when it comes to talking about sex, I am curious and open about it.  I am comfortable talking about death in both the abstract and the concrete realms. Family dynamics? Those turn into fascinating and often valuable conversations no matter who the family is. Ditto conversations about what makes and breaks romantic couples. Politics? The discussion can get heated and sometimes I shy away because I see no point in arguing but I am not afraid of the talk. God? Total shut down. 

Just to be clear, I don’t get God. I was raised in a rigid Catholic home, brined in rules, prayers, and a distant god. That god was scary. He (and he was a he) was authoritarian, commanding, omnipotent, and remote. His love was conditional. Behave and you got it. Be human and you were not enough. My family was present at church every Sunday and holy day and a collection of other days too. Confession was mandatory. Typically every two or three weeks, we were trotted off to church to recite all the ways we had failed (including the failure by feeling: anger, envy, lust, despair - all sinful). We had to perform penance and that penance was prayer. Does that make sense? To pray as a punishment?  In every respect, I was told what to believe and how to behave. No questions allowed.

By the time I was eighteen, I had decided this was not for me. I wasn’t bold enough to fully break away as long as I lived at my parents’ house but once I got out of the house, there were no more churches in my days or nights. As part of an advanced psych class that focused on guided imagery, I took the image of all the detritus that was my experience of the Catholic Church. I tied it up all up in a white box and put a wide yellow ribbon around that box.  I put that box up on a high shelf in the closet of my mind. I told myself I could leave the box up there unless I became a parent. Then I might have to look at it again. 

Basically it’s been up there ever since.  I did take it down briefly when my two children were born. I looked over the contents of the box and felt mostly anger and annoyance. I could find some beauty in the music and some beauty in some of the words that bordered on poetic. There was some hypothetical beauty in the notion of community but even that was weak for me. Simply attending church did not mean I ever felt like I was part of a community. I was merely following the rules. I put the box back in the closet.

Why is God so hard to talk about? I think I associate belief in God with compliant sheep.  If you believe in God, that means you just follow along. You don’t think for yourself. Also, belief in a personal god just does not make sense. Who can know and care for 8 billion people all at once? People talk about having a relationship with God, but I can’t  figure that out. How does one have a relationship with an invisible entity?  If there is any relationship to be had, it can’t be clear and direct because God isn’t concrete. God is an abstract concept that serves to soften the anxiety of being a human being. When you believe in God, when you put all your trust in God, then you can assume that everything is going to be okay because isn’t that what God tells you? But is it true? 

I suspect one reason I have such a strong reaction to talking about God, is that even the conversation about God invokes insecurity and fear on my part. Those unpleasant childhood memories are buried deep in my bones. I do recognize that I am defensive and I feel foolish even considering the conversations. I don’t think I have the tools to adequately talk about God. And, worse yet? I am not brave enough to go get the tools.

I am painfully aware of the tragedy and pain that religion has wrought on the world but I know that a relationship with God is not necessarily part of a religion. I know and respect a few intelligent, articulate, and thoughtful people  who  believe in God. Knowing those people and having high regard for them makes me wonder what I am missing.  I do have enough wisdom now to know that the god of my childhood was just one representation of God but it’s awfully hard to set that one God aside. He is cantankerous that way. 

I am not saying that there is no God. In fact, I lean more towards the existence of some higher power, some essence, but a personal god? I wish I understood more about how that even works.  I can’t even say why I lean towards that idea of an essence as God. Maybe it’s because of awe and wonder, because of the delights and joys of being a human being?  Maybe it’s because I know that there’s so much we humans do not know. We can only wonder about what is revealed by both the electron microscope and the James Webb Space Telescope.  We can only marvel at the thousands of tiny miracles that make up the human body. We are overwhelmed at the deepest feelings of love and connection that we don’t understand. Maybe that’s it. Maybe lack of understanding is one invitation to consider something bigger, something divine. I don’t know but I actually do want to talk about it. I just don’t know how. I am not interested in being assigned a sales person. I just want a warmhearted conversation. 

Lost and Found: A Memoir

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 05.22.2022

Book review: Lost and Found by Kathryn Schulz

Despite the five star rating, I hesitate to recommend this book. Yes, the writing is extraordinary, the insights are profound and real. The hard part is exactly that: it is so very real, so very full of truth. And the truth can hurt, especially when you are getting older. There was so much poignancy and bittersweetness in this book that it just plain hurt to read . Maybe it's just me, maybe I feel too much, but I finished it and all I want to do is crawl back to my solitary bed and weep. Life goes on, however. And that is part of Ms Schulz's message.

The "lost" in the title ostensibly refers to the loss of the author's father but she skillfully weaves in a thoughtful discussion of how enormous loss is in our lives. She reminds us that "it encompasses, without distinction the trivial and the consequential, the abstract and the concrete, the merely misplaced and the permanently gone....the world as it really is [is] marked everywhere by the evidence of past losses and the imminence of future ones." We grieve not only for our lost people but for our lost selves as well. We grieve the passage of time, the undoing of lives, the unsettling changes that cause us to question our very being. There is a place for loss in our lives but holding loss can make us feel insignificant and small.

Ms Schultz then turns her eyes to the "found" part of the title. There's where you find amazement. That's where our lives feel so brimming and momentous. And it's true. Pay attention and be amazed, as the poet Mary Oliver said. The world is a constant source for finding beauty and wonder. The author seques from the loss of her father to the found of new love. She writes eloquently about the discovery of Self and Other and what it means to find joy and a person to call home. Her words are tender and wide eyed. She is confounded by her wonderful find (and, she notes, isn't finding love often a surprise?). Ms Schultz's surprising find is a life partner but she makes plenty of room for the abundance of unexpected good moments in life . She notes that "it doesn't matter whether you believe that God has blessed you, that fate has smiled on you, or simply that in a stochastic world, very unlikely odds have broken down in your favor. What matters is that you feel the presence of some force outside yourself - one that, whether or not it is intrinsically benevolent, occasionally and indisputably produces benevolent ends."

Ms Schultz writes elegantly about the unfolding of this newly found relationship. I could sense the profound connection that the author feels toward her chosen partner but I am old. I have been around the block a few times and cynicism sits in the passenger seat. I wonder about all that this young couple will encounter, all the losses and all the founds yet to be had experienced. There's where bittersweetness enters the picture. There's where I hesitate to recommend. I am aware of how life can be a trickster in ways you never imagined. I fear for the author and what appears to me to be unabashed certainty that life will treat this couple well.

And, in fact, the author essentially does acknowledge that life is a mixed bag. In the final section of the book, she brings home the idea that finding always leads to losing. She writes of accepting the fact that "one of the most significant and difficult aspects of love, romantic and otherwise, is that it is terribly vulnerable to forces outside our control, and therefore terribly frightening. The corollary to 'Now has your bliss appeared' is 'Now , at any moment, it may vanish.'" Truth. And the older a person gets, the more of the vanishing that naturally happens. The older you get, the more that is lost and, I think, the less that is found. Hence my big sigh.

Okay, so this is definitely a five star book. The revealed truths are well worth considering and the extraordinary writing makes the reading a pleasure. Ignore my hesitancy to recommend. Perhaps that is just me. The book resonated in so many ways that it has left me stunned and unsure. In a short while, I will roll out of the bed that I retuned to. I will stretch, look out the window, see the sunrise, and decide to get up and make new discoveries. I will pay attention and be amazed. I will also thank Kathryn Schultz for making me feel alive.

Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 04.22.2022 

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen

(this is the epigraph for Bittersweet)

I was captured by Susan Cain's book Quiet when it was released in 2013. I could find myself in that book and in Cain's positive spin on what it meant to be a person who leans to introversion in a world that bows to extroversion. I enjoyed the newfound knowledge and the many vignettes that illustrated the points that Cain was constructing. Her new book is full of information and vignettes about the power and value of sorrow and longing in our life. It didn't grab me as tightly as Quiet did but I suspect that is because, both personally and professionally, I have acquired much experience and knowledge with the roles that sorrow and longing play in our lives. In short, the book didn't have the same pull for me as Quiet did but that's because of me, not Ms Cain. I know more and so it is harder to impress me.

I do believe there is a need for this book. The American culture has made positivity the end all and the be all. It reminds me of how extroversion used to be seen as healthy and necessary and people who leaned toward introversion needed to be "fixed". Cain asserts that there is a place for poignancy, for an acute awareness of the passage of time, for noticing and embracing beauty of all kinds. There is value in loneliness, sorrow, and longing . These are all part of the human experience. In fact, they are the experiences that most connect us. But they can't connect us if we hide them. They don't need to be brushed aside and replaced with positivity. Sure, there is value in seeing the bright side of a situation but perhaps not before first seeing the darker side. Yin/yang. Human beings need them both but 21st century Americans are exhorted to be and stay positive above all else.

Cain pitches a strong case for the presence of melancholy in our lives. She illuminates her ideas with interesting scenarios and with links to various sites that will clarify her points. In addition to defining the terms and highlighting their place in our lives, Cain also discusses how the nation got this way and strategies we can use to allow these emotions to be present in a useful way.

The last third of her book resonated the most for me. In this section, Cain takes on the presence of death in our lives. She dives right into a conversation about death (ours and others) and about the importance of grief. Seriously, how are we supposed to live joyful lives when death is all around us? Well, first by noticing and acknowledging that death is all around us. A few other reviewers have been less than enthusiastic about this section, decrying what they felt was a fall away from the study of human psychology and into the more nebulous world of spirituality. IDK. I think she does get a bit cosmic in this section but maybe that is why it appealed to me the most. She touched on the mystery of the cosmos. There is so much that human beings simply cannot comprehend. I used to want to know it all. I wanted to know the answers to all the Big Questions. I was a seeker of the highest caliber. I remain a seeker. I am still looking for correct answers to Big Questions. But I can feel myself making room for the crack that lets the light in. Cain's last section gives me more permission to do that and, for that reason, the book is valuable to me.

If you are curious about those moments when you have experienced being held by bittersweet tears, you might enjoy this book. If you don't know I am talking about, I highly recommend that you read this book. It could change your life.

 

 

Where Did They Go?

 From time to time during these last two pandemic years I have written pieces about how this COVID business was unfolding. It was a way for me to acknowledge the impact of COVID in the big world as well as in my own tiny world. In the beginning Fear was the dominant player.  When authorities ordered everything, including parks and beaches, to close, Anger walked right alongside Fear. Once the parks and beaches were open again, Anger took a nap and let Resignation walk along with Fear.  Sadness and Grief also came into the game because there were so many people and experiences being lost. Even hugs and birthday parties were put on time out.  There wasn’t much anyone could do but wait for a vaccine to become available.

Once the vaccine became available, Hope joined the game and dominated the play. But not for long. Since some people refuse to believe in science, the vaccine could not really fully accomplish the task of making the world safe again. Anger got to come back into the game. Hope was still on the field but playing with an ice pack and Advil. And that’s about where we are right now.

The way I see it, many people are done with COVID. They say it’s time to get “back to normal”.  Get vaccinated or not but live with the consequences. I can see that we are headed there but, for me, we are not there yet. There are too many fragile populations that cannot be vaccinated (children under age 6, for example) and too many immunocompromised people or very elderly people to just act as if COVID is done. I’m in the group that says, “Wait. I can keep wearing a mask in public indoor spaces. I can avoid any indoor gatherings unless all are vaccinated. I can hold off on travel to certain areas where COVID numbers are high. I can continue social distancing when I am in public places. I can do this for now. I can do this until science says otherwise.”

It’s not the end of the game but things are starting to wrap up. COVID, in the end, is likely going to lose this game. The season isn’t over though and it won’t be over until human beings figure out how to live forever. (Side note: Why would you want to live forever? But I digress.) The game is still in play.

At this point in the game, I am noticing the effects that COVID has had on the world and on me. If you want to know economic, sociological, medical, or global effects, I‘ll simply direct you to any media outlet. There’s a lot of information out there. 

Now that we are coming through this and I can see it through a longer lens, I am somewhat surprised at the impacts I notice on myself. In the beginning,  I didn’t object to enforced isolation as long as I could get outside to hike, bicycle, and walk at the beach. I did find myself missing the casual hugs from family and close friends. It was weird to see my own offspring from six feet away and not leave them without a hug. I missed the family gatherings.  When newborns came along, I was sad to have to hold them with the intrusion of a mask. The longer COVID goes on, the more withdrawn or remote I seem to be. I wonder if that’s the same for other people? 

The biggest surprise for me personally is the loneliness that I am experiencing. I am embarrassed to write that because it seems so fragile and shaky but I think it’s true. Only very recently that I have come to realize that I feel claustrophobic in this safety bubble. Beyond a once a week grocery store trip,  regular stops at the library to pick up books, and a rare dentist or doctor visit, I don’t see people in person very often. I don’t go out on the old school errands, I don’t go out for meals, I don’t get together with the friends I used to have,  I do provide child care for two babies and I do see their parents for pick up and drop off but seldom do we socialize beyond the childcare details. I have started to see my extended family a bit more, driving to their homes for a rare visit (all of these people have been vaccinated).  I live with somebody so there is another person here in the house but that is a 24/7 situation and can be draining in its own way. 

I wonder about the friendships that I referenced above? I wonder what happened to them? I had intelligent, funny, creative friends and we used to have some fun evenings and/or walks. Everyone seems to be gone now. At the beginning of the pandemic, we stayed in touch via text but after a few months, the texts became less and less frequent until they pretty much disappeared. It’s puzzling to me. Have I changed? Have they changed? Is everyone bored? Did they find a different world that no longer includes me? Is everyone so overwhelmed with COVID + global warming + political/social unrest that there is no room for personal interactions?  I have reached out here and there yet the response has been lukewarm. I wonder if other people are finding this to be true. 

To balance the loss of in person friendships, however, I have developed a broad range of internet friendships. I didn’t do this on purpose. Prior to the pandemic, I had a pleasant on line community, primarily through Twitter. I had regular connections with other people who enjoyed books, art, music, poetry, travel, photography, flowers, and beauty of all kinds.  There were also political and social justice discussions in which I was able to participate and that gave me interesting  connections.  But when the outside world shut down in 2020, I found myself connecting even more with people from all around the world. It has been fascinating and exciting to me. If I can’t travel or engage with people in the real world, I can at least have some conversational fun in the 280 character tweet world. I love interacting about books, about art, about poetry, about the view out the window. I get a kick out of posting words, photos, ideas and seeing what comes back to me. This stuff makes my solitary world more expansive and interesting. 

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 03.25.2022

There are a few people with whom I have developed deeper electronic friendships by engaging in longer than tweet conversations via direct messaging. Those can be especially rich exchanges but, nonetheless, these connections are not “in real life” friendships. Yes, they offer companionship of a sort but it’s limited. This companionship is printed words on a screen, offering bits and pieces of hearts and minds. It engages touch (via typing!) and vision. One can’t hear the other, nor smell, nor feel their physical presence in the room. It’s as if you get only a fraction of the other. And words on a screen? So much can be misread, misinterpreted via words on a screen. And it takes time and effort to type all those words which can also get lost in the flow of more words.  Does emotion always find its way through cyberspace? In short, although I value internet connections, they simply cannot take the place of in real life relationships.

So I am left waiting for life to “be normal” again. I am wondering if and when connections with real people will resume. Will I ever see those old friends again in the same way as before?  Here’s a good example of what I mean. Pre pandemic, I was a regular participant in twice weekly yoga classes and in weekly art classes. The yoga studio closed down for good about two months ago so those classes will never resume again. I had friends in those classes but now? Now I will likely never see most of them again. I had friends in the art classes conducted at the local art center. The center still has some of their classes on line now but I want the real deal. I need in person art classes and I miss my friends from those classes. 

A lot of my friends are people that I have known for years and years. They are people with whom I worked or whose children played with my children when they were little. How is it that a global pandemic made people go silent? And what will make them come out again? Have lives changed that much in these two years? I know several friends who have suffered the loss of loved ones. Living situations have changed for others with children and/or spouses moving in or out.  Among friends, some have changed jobs or retired. A couple of friends have physically moved away (without a chance to hug goodbye) .  All of these changes and yet no opportunities to process them makes for shaky friendships.  I wonder if the answer is going to be building new friendships?  How is that going to happen as long as we are still living in a COVID influenced world? I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t see into the future and, at this point, I don’t even want to. It feels scary and isolated. But maybe I will be surprised?  I hope so.

Passing Through

*Originally published on my Wordpress blog 02.22.2022

Passing through - there’s the theme.  We are just passing through. Our lives are a pinprick of time on this planet. Some of us last for two years , some for a hundred and two years  but that’s it. When you think about it, it’s quite mind boggling. There have been eons and eons of time behind us yet you and I will end up being here on the planet for a mere 80 or 90 year period. I am one person in a world that currently houses close to eight billion people.  To me the insignificance of that is staggering. What’s the point? Maybe there is no point? Or maybe the point is to see what you can see, take in what you can take in, experience what you are ready for, learn what you can, and then pass through to nothing or pass through to something. Who knows?

I was wondering about how I viewed older people when I was in my twenties. When I was going to college and alive and sparkly in a world of twenty to thirty year old people, did I even notice people who might be over 80 years old?  I would have encountered them in the community but did I think about them? I'm not being judgmental about myself here. I am just wondering what my perspective was back then.  I don't think now that I gave much thought then to people in the last decades of life.  That stage of life was so far away from me at that point. My grandparents were all dead by the time I was 18 and my parents weren't that old.  If I thought at all about the elderly, it was likely with some compassion but also with a strong disconnect. I imagine that I viewed them as not of much value anymore.  I probably felt bad because they moved slowly and seemed somewhat out of it.   I know I did not diss them. I know I made room for them. I just don't think I ever thought that some day I might be eighty years old.

I'm still not eighty years old but the idea is not foreign to me at all anymore. It's too close for comfort, frankly.  I still think I should be able to do all that I was once able to do when I was a 25 year old person. My slightly older brother challenged me on that idea this past weekend. His comment?  "What? You think you're special? You think you are going to be able to ride all those miles every week on your bicycle forever? You think you are going to have the body that doesn't gradually (if not suddenly) disintegrate? You think you are going to hear and see and balance just as keenly as you did back then? What universe are you living in?"  It was a question worth asking of me and one that was not easy for me to face. I have this idea of old women as frumpy, uninvolved, slow, whiny, disengaged. That's not fair, nor is it accurate.  True, I may not end up riding my bike for twenty miles every Sunday morning when I am eighty but I can still be alive. I can still be engaged, curious, warm, friendly, and involved with others. Sure, I will have some physical slowing down but one can still be gracious and interested and interesting at eighty years old. I can look for those role models and I can aspire to be that person.

How do you do that? How do you age with equanimity? First, stay as mentally healthy as possible. Continue to know yourself, to question yourself, to challenge yourself, to take in the world. Keep on adapting. Life is full of changes and adaptation is what keeps a person alive (literally and figuratively). Adaptation can be a remarkably painful process (think death of loved ones) but with support and patience it can open new doors. Everything changes. You can adapt to change with a gloomy attitude or you can adapt to change with a curious attitude. Choose curious.

Second,  stay physically healthy. Sure, there will be unavoidable health issues but you can do your part to maintain physical health. For me , that means staying physically active, eating a nourishing diet, and meditating to keep anxiety at bay. It also includes applying sun screen and lotion as needed, enjoying a glass of wine on a regular basis (but not overindulging), having an active sex life, and taking a couple of vitamins that have been recommended by my physician. For others, staying healthy might include certain other medications, including cannabis.

A third way is somewhat tied to the first two.  This is for me but maybe you would agree?  I want to grow older and still be well groomed. I will continue to care about my physical appearance. I won't turn entirely into a frumpy, bedraggled , gray person.   As I always do, I will dress for comfort and warmth but I will continue to dress for attractiveness.  I will do the little things that matter to me and that make me feel good about myself.  It's as simple as that.

Another way to grow older with equanimity is to stay connected to people of all ages.  Be curious and non judgemental about everyone but especially about younger people. Children have so much to offer us. Find a way to keep a small child in your life. Find a way to keep teenagers in your life. They have ideas and vitality and it would behoove you to give them your attention.  Stay in touch with college aged people for the same reason. Make yourself attractive to people of all ages by accepting them as they are.  Listen to them. In fact, I would say that is one of the best ways to stay vibrant as you age. Listen more than you talk. Make yourself available but don't make yourself the expert.

One last instruction that I am going to offer is to be a life long adventurer. Note that I am not saying you must travel to distant places and spend a lot of money or do dangerous things. No, by being a life long adventurer I mean, stay curious and explore the world. Sure, travel is a great way to really get a feel for the world but if physical travel isn't possible, there are plenty of other ways to travel. You can travel through classes (in person or online),  through books (fiction and non fiction), through friendships (socialize right in your neighborhood) and, certainly, on line. Being a life long adventurer might necessitate some assistance with technology or transportation but that's where your younger contacts can be immensely helpful to you. If you are likable and kind to them, I am sure they will be able to keep you as up to date with technology as you need or want to be.

Okay, I am sure there are other strategies and I would gratefully appreciate any other ideas that might be out there. This is enough for me for now. I thank my brother Mark for shaking me up a bit this weekend. Because of his frank line of questioning, I had to reconsider where I am headed.  I still plan to ride my bicycle until forever but I am also a little more prepared to be real about the years I have left on the planet. I marvel that I am passing through.  I marvel at my ability to adapt and the many times when I have had to adapt. Remembering all of those times gives me hope for the future. It tells me that I can face aging with equanimity.  I will lean on my people, especially my children and their cousins, but I will also be there for them to lean on me.  That's how we hold each other up. That's how we all get though life, amirite?

Anger Advice From the Stoics

 *Originally published on my Wordpress blog 01.14.2022

Over the last few years, I have read and watched several books and videos about the ancient Stoic philosophers. This philosophy arose out of ancient Greece and its beliefs are still evident in the world today. Much of its direction comes from strategies that make the most of positive emotions and reduce the impact of negative emotions. There’s a lot more to this philosophy but the part that intrigues me right now is how the Stoic philosophers approach anger. 

One thing needs to be clear. Stoicism is not that “stiff upper lip” thing that we think of most often when we talk about a person being stoic. In that scenario, a person’s life is emotionless. In that definition, a person becomes a brick wall with emotions locked out (or locked in). But, in fact, the original Stoics of ancient Greece believed that emotions were critical for human happiness. They flow through us and they make us, us. They are to be valued and expressed. But they also believed that emotions could be controlled and that gaining control of emotions is one path toward a richer life, a life that is lived with ease. This is the part that I want to understand more.

Anger has always been troubling for me. I can manage anger on a personal level. I am able to listen and let the Other be seen. I get angry at individuals in my daily life but I am good at (usually) diplomatically communicating that anger and I pivot to understanding and possible solutions fairly soon. However, these days/months/years I find myself outraged by the current political climate. I can manage anger on a personal level but anger that is directed at a huge, amorphous entity?  Not so much. 

There are two fundamental anger management techniques in the Stoic way of life. The first thing to do when anger shows up in the room is to take a step back . Most often when humans get angry the very first reaction is “I’ve been wronged”. Stoicism says put some distance between yourself and the precipitating event and/or person.  Recognize that your reaction to the event/person is an internal construct. It reflects your own take on the situation. Your mind is guessing the consequences of the action but those aren’t necessarily what will actually happen. You are having this reaction but wait. Step back. Maybe breathe. Then move on to the second step. Question everything. Question your judgements, your beliefs, your assumptions. Yes, there are challenging people and events but it really isn’t all about you. The world is not “out to get you”.  Your predictions about what will happen next are only that: predictions. Maybe they will happen, maybe not.  This whole part is difficult for me, especially when it comes to what is happening in the country these days. I am quick to get angry, quick to assume that disaster is coming. And, maybe it is. But, maybe not. Don’t believe everything you think.

According to Seneca (one of the Greek founders of Stoicism), those two combined strategies will get you a long way in terms of managing anger and feeling more at ease in the world. Need some more techniques? In his book Breakfast with Seneca: A Stoic Guide to the Art of Living,  author David Fideler outlines a few more of the strategies that Seneca described 2,000 years ago. Let me describe a few of them.

One technique is to always remember that people often have no idea what they are doing or saying and they make mistakes. Don’t take their actions so seriously. I 100% agree with that . In general, don’t take ANYTHING  too seriously.

Along the same lines, be the bigger person. Choose not to be injured by trivial things. Scoff at those people/groups who antagonize you.  See them as beneath you. When some political big mouth makes atrocious comments, roll your eyes and move on to the next tweet or page.

I love this one. Associate with good natured people who are unlikely to make you angry and who aren’t going to put up with your anger. I think that is especially true on social media. I’m not way deep into social media but I do craft my timeline on Twitter so that it includes people who care about beauty and kindness. I dismiss anyone who is hateful.

Another recommendation from the long ago Stoics is often repeated in the modern self help literature. It’s a no-brainer, if you ask me. Don’t allow yourself to become mentally or physically exhausted and stay on top of the need for nourishment. Taking care of those basic needs goes a long way towards keeping anger at bay. 

In some ways this next one is obvious but I’m not sure how often it is really employed. Know yourself. Understand what it is that makes you angry. What upsets you? Once you know your weak spots, don’t expose them to things likely to disturb you.  Along the same vein, you can avoid a lot of upset by simply not taking things in. You don’t have to follow every bit of news every day.  Limit yourself around what you take in. Know when you need to pull back and then do that.

The next one might be tough to follow but it is still worth trying to implement. That is, forgive other people, even the parts of humanity that are ugly to you. No one is perfect. You are not perfect. The faults we find in others also exist within ourselves.

Finally (and, again, I love this one): remember that if someone makes you angry, you can just wait a little. Everyone dies. That makes us all equal and it can also resolve a lot of anger. Perhaps there are other things on which to focus rather than that idiot on social media who drives you crazy.

I am enjoying my study of Stoicism and hope to review the book Breakfast with Seneca by David Fideler in a future post. I would also like to point interested readers to the work of William Irvine. He has published several books on the Stoics, most of which I have read. They are all engaging books to read and easily accessible.  His books include The Stoic Challenge and A Guide to the Good Life.

To Crush or Not To Crush

 *Originally published on my Wordpress blog 12.10.2021

Hello, Christmas!

You’re back!

I used to have a crush on you but, of course, I was just a kid then, a kid with shiny eyes. I could not get enough of you. I loved every minute of the time you spent with me. I dressed for you, I brushed my hair for you, I laughed for you.  I wrote you letters. I waited and waited for you. Every December you were the sparkle behind my smile, the reason for my best behavior. I so desperately wanted your attention.

And you gave me attention. You made my parents smile and be silly sometimes. You made my brothers include me in their shopping excursions. You were the reason my mom made all of us help with cookie baking. You were the reason for cookies and homemade coffee cake. You even made church better. You brought sweet music, twinkle lights, a baby in a manger, and magic and mystery. Oh, I was in love.

When I got a little older I went through a period where I wanted to be cool. Cool people keep their distance and they keep their truth (including crushes) to themselves. I was good at that. I stopped writing you letters but I still waited for you. Mostly , though, I was waiting for your friend, Christmas Vacation. I liked him the best. I made eyes at him while ignoring you and enjoyed every moment he would give me. In those days, I dressed only for myself . My long hair flopped around madly but I wondered if you saw me.  I wondered if you noticed me at all. You weren’t very attentive. You did give me music and a world bedecked with festive lights. To  please you, I painted cards and gave friends rocks and shells that I found at the beach. But I had the feeling that you were no longer interested in the older woman I had become. I stopped meeting you at church, I stopped hanging out with you except for eggnog and Irish Whiskey.  Because I could not feel your presence so much anymore, I tossed you aside. I wrote you off and decided that skiing was a better winter crush anyway.

But, as sometimes happens with crushes, circumstances changed and we met again . Yes, I was still the older woman but now I had two tiny children and, all of the sudden, I was in love with you again. Oh my!  This time was almost as much fun as the earlier crush.  I started getting ready for your arrival in October. I’m not a shopper but I went shopping on your account. I am not a cook, but I made cookies and traditional coffee cake just for you. I introduced my children to your music and we sang together to encourage you to make yourself known. I got silly, in the way that crushes can do to a person. You were the best. SO good that I think I wanted to marry you. Good thing I didn’t.

You were charming for years while my children lived here but, as often happens in long term relationships, we grew apart. Crush or no crush, familiarity has a way of stepping into the days and changing things. I changed and you changed but neither of us made the effort to touch the other. Dare I say, the thrill is gone? The kids left and took it with them?

But don’t get me wrong. There’s no unkindness or disrespect between us. You and I are cordial with each other. We make room for each of us to be what we are at this time of the year. I give a nod to the traditions by doing a little shopping and wrapping. I can’t get excited enough anymore to do the whole Christmas tree thing or to do any baking. You, on the other hand, treat me still to lovely music and light displays and, when COVID is not in the picture, you often arrange for me to see theatrical performances that please me.  So, you know, we’re okay, aren’t we? 

Would it be delightful to share a sweet crush again? I think so. Would it be heady to bring a little passion and excitement to our world during these dark and cold December says? Absolutely. But that takes effort. Passion doesn’t thrive if it’s not fed.  It takes some boldness, maybe a risk or two? If we want to rekindle our crush there needs to be some serious seduction going on here. What do you say, Christmastime? Are you in the mood for seduction?